Learn to Whisper, Remember to Shout

When I got to New York, I noticed there were so many gay people.

That is not a joke. I lived in North Carolina for 16 years of my life. Within a few weeks of living in New York City, I had seen more gay couples openly holding hands and casually walking the streets than I had ever seen in all my years in NC.

When I tell people where I’m from, they always comment on what a change it must be to move to a big city. I didn’t feel that way. The culture shock I experienced was quite different. It was the shift of moving from a red state to a blue state. North Carolina is a swing state, yes. But in the area where I lived, going to the schools that I went to, it had the culture of a red state. I was not prepared to live somewhere, to go to school somewhere, where my existence didn’t feel like a fight.

I consider myself a very open person. I will not lie about my values to fit in. I’m not afraid to talk about my identity. I’m more than happy to tell you when I think you’re wrong. For every time that I’ve gritted my teeth, and dug my nails into my fist, and bit back my words, I have dressed brighter, talked louder, been kinder, stared harder. I have one-upped every time I held my tongue with some smart-assed defiance. I used to feel like a fish out of water, gasping for air.

Because of this, I thought of myself as quiet. Desperate to speak, but always outnumbered. I thought New York would be loud. I assumed, when there were no restrictions to being who you are, you would shout.

I was wrong. In New York, we are quiet. All along, I was the one who was loud.

Loud is, I am not supposed to be here and I am anyway. Loud is, the people I love are scared and that makes me angry. Loud is, I wish things were different.

Quiet is holding hands in broad daylight because no one will give you a second thought. Quiet is hanging a pride flag from the window because you don’t have to worry it’ll get destroyed. Quiet is knowing, in the back of your mind, this is who I am and I don’t have to prove it to anyone.

I would like to be quiet. But it is my nature to be loud. So I will be loud. I will be loud until the whole world is allowed to be quiet.

Check out the original post on Instagram.